Tuesday, January 17, 2012

don't speak

i think i thought if i left you alone it wouldn't hurt you so much.

i think i feel so guilty, and mean, and horrible that talking to you about it would make it worse. for both of us.

i know i will always love you, and always feel like a terrible person for not being able to make it work.

i miss you horribly, though i still can't be married to you. i dreamed i saw you last night, and told you that my life would be empty without you in it. and it is.

i found your journal again after all these years. i cried when i saw your post from august 15th. i thought about you the day after that, and wondered if it was still the best day of your life. i am glad that you still feel that way; i do, too. but who am i kidding? i think about you every day, and feel guilty and ashamed every day, and hope that you are okay every day. but especially that day, and thanksgiving and christmas.

but i had to leave. it came down to a choice between leaving then, while you still loved me and i still loved you, or leaving under very different circumstances in ten years after we'd had kids and i'd cheated on you. i am ashamed that i couldn't be a better person than that. i am ashamed to say that that is what it would have come to.

i am not ashamed to say that i WILL NOT, would not do that do you. and however much you hate me now, however terrible of a person you think i am (and i probably agree with you), at least i did not do that to you again.

i am so sorry. i will continue to be sorry until the day i die.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

High and Dry

is apparently what my blog has been lately. So, let's catch up. I'm moving to Kentucky in two and a half weeks. CRAZY SHIT, Y'ALL.

I got a job as a mechanical integrity engineer (who even knew such a job existed?) at a plant in Calvert City. My cousin sent me the job description; I wasn't even looking for a job...but the description hooked me. It's sort of like forensic structural engineering, just on machinery and pressure vessels and stuff instead of on the actual structure. I'd have to USE MY BRAIN! YAY! I am so excited. It will be intensive training for a year or so, but hey, I was considering going back for a PhD anyway and I think this will be better and more practical. Oh. And there is a SIGNIFICANT pay increase, but that is not why I want this job.

Mama is pretty torn up about it (as I expected, and honestly I am too, but I'm also really really excited which helps me, and she doesn't have that) but she did say that she totally thought it was a wonderful opportunity and she is happy for me. But, yeah. She is so sad. :( I wish I didn't have to do this to her, or that she and my dad would move up there but that isn't realistic considering her other two kids live in GA still--and the grandkids.

More later, kind of keyed up right now.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Tumbleweeds

Hmmm...it appears that I have not posted in a while. Sorry bout the tumbleweeds, though I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog anyway. But it's for me, so I guess that isn't important. Maybe I'm apologizing to MYSELF about the tumbleweeds?

I've been taking belly dance classes and they rock my face off. Also, I apparently do not suck quite as badly as I thought and don't look spastic in class (usually). And I've not elbowed anyone, or busted my ass, or kicked a person/mirror/column. So I'm considering it a RESOUNDING success. Plus it's so much more fun than exercise for the sake of exercise.

I've decided to only take one belly dance class at a time though--it was starting to feel that I was laser focusing on THIS HOBBY and trying to be the valedictorian of belly dance, which is not really how I'd like to approach this whole hobby thing. The whole point of getting done with grad school was to NOT have laser focus for a while, to be able to try a whole bunch of new stuff.

So to that end, I'm signing up for knife skills 101 at the local Cook's Warehouse on June 17th. I will also be de-cluttering/organizing/painting our office/library (at my house) this weekend with my awesome sister's help. If we have time left we will organize the kitchen. Either this week or next, I'm going to build raised beds which will eventually house our vegetable garden.

Yay for time for projects!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Wherein I Admit to Being a Little Bit Awful

Friend's Facebook post: "1 man 2 trees 3 nails 4 you"

My (internal) response: "Hmm. I really think that three nails wouldn't be enough to hold a human's body weight."

Then the brain took off with: either there were way more nails than three, or they were really big diameter...wait...how were they even LONG enough to go through limbs? were they SPIKES? why am I even thinking about this? it's gross. and inhumane. I wonder if they nailed the cords binding his feet? I still don't think three nails would hold all that weight. but still it'd have to go through a wrist because there was no cord there, and I've just never seen a nail that long...so it must have been more of a spike. oh my lord (oh man. no pun intended) how could anyone DO that to another person? why am i even thinking about this? are we even sure this happened? who came up with that, and why would you start thinking that way? cleverness with the 1, 2, 3, 4 and NAILS IN PEOPLE'S LIMBS just do not go together, mmmkay?


POST-EDIT: I JUST notice the 2 trees. How do we know it wasn't only one? or that it didn't take three? do they even HAVE trees there? i thought it was desert?

Like I said. Awful.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Movie Star Sugar

A wonderful old man and his wonderful wife are at home. Their great-niece is arriving soon to spend the day with them. She, and they, are very excited about this. She bursts in the door, blonde curls flying behind her.

The old man says, "Get over here and give me some movie star sugar!"

The child scampers over to his chair and proffers first her right palm, then the back of her right hand. Next, the left palm, and the back of the left hand. Right cheek, left cheek, almost like they are French. Finally, the enormous bear hug, and she is still and happy. His cologne smells like home, warm and spicy and comforting.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Our Upcoming Weekend

Tonight: chill and relax while finishing painting the bathroom and putting it back together (hamper, towel shelves, etc).

Tomorrow, 10 am: House guru comes over to tell us which parts of our house are going to fall in, how badly the flipper dumbass dude sucked, and how many trillions of dollars it will be to fix.

Tomorrow, 6:45 pm: I go babysit while Caleb chills out at home (and probably works on the sheetrock in the office). I study after kid goes to sleep.

Sunday, 12:30 pm: I go take the math portion of the SAT so that I can hopefully get a part time job tutoring math (night/weekends).

Sunday, after the test: Go hang out with my 2 bff's and all our husbands. Yay!

(Monday night: belly dancing
Tuesday night: physical therapy
Wednesday night: belly dancing)

(This and the next week are the only times I'll have belly dancing 2 nights, but wow. I'm feeling busy and industrious lately!)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Things The Very Materialistic Side of Me Wants, But Which I Do Not Have.

Highlights that never fade

A Camaro

And a Lotus Exige

And a 1987 BMW 325 (fully restored of course)

To be able to spend freely to decorate my home

Substantial savings so we can have a kid

(something tells me those last two might be mutually exclusive)

A beach house

A housekeeper/personal chef

A gorgeously landscaped property with a garden and a fenced in backyard

A personal trainer (in order to become a size 4 again, which would go nicely with those never-fading highlights)

I think this list is long enough now.


I do not want this blog to become a chore...or boring. So I will not be updating goals here anymore. They will be on my calendar, with maybe an occasional "Hey, here's how I'm doing" post. (Hey, here's how I'm doing: better. And that is the goal; to be better each week).

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Actual Email From My Mother

My brother's name is (not his real name) John, and he is 35. Also my mom doesn't do cutesy stuff. That is really all you need to know to find the following email hilarious. (Emphasis mine).

apparently we have too many erasures on our crct and are under suspicion. who knows what they're going to do, but let's get real. we have an abundance of eraser addicts. some of the kids i serve will erase 4-5 times and keep putting the same answer each time or they'll erase the right answer and put the wrong one. i just want to scream. it's not like our scores are burning up the woods great. [a co-worker] thinks it's a witch hunt by the state. whatever it is it's ruining all our lives. tune in tomorrow for the latest installment. we are supposed to get 1-3 in. of snow starting tomorrow about 9:00. i hope we don't get stranded at school. that is my worst nightmare. they've cancelled the daddy-daughter dance for tomorrow nite here. john i got us tickets for the mother -son dance at the [town they live in] center field complex. i forgot to tell you. i'll pick you up at 6 fri nite. i'm going to get my hair done in the a.m. wear a tux.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

I suck, and last week

Overstuffed, hell, I don't know, I can't remember that far back. Yes. At least once.

Spendy. Yes. We went to visit a friend this weekend. Friend just had a baby 8 wks ago and wanted to go shopping. I am the world's worst at not giving in to temptation, so I bought stuff I shouldn't have. (With a credit card! ACK! Because we don't have any money!)

Self-care. Ok I guess, except for I've been stressing about money because I SUCK. But we'll get to that in a minute.

What else am I supposed to be tracking again? (Consulting the list)....

Socially balanced? It was pretty good. We had people over Wed and Thurs but somehow when it's people at my house it's much easier for me socially than going OUT. Plus it's actually cheaper. (Chili one night, chicken another from the freezer).

Weekly project...not even sure what it was supposed to be, so no, nothing got done.

Monthly project, going, I guess. We haven't been home weekends though and I can definitely tell. Plus we are broke...which leads me to WHY I SUCK.


So...remember when I went shopping a couple weeks ago? And I may or may not have mentioned that I've been shopping a lot more often for a few months...well. Last week I finally did the budget for January and realized that I'd spent money we didn't have. So I initiated a transfer from our online savings account and was done. Or so I thought. But since the transfers take so fucking long, it didn't come through in time. And the situation spiraled, because automatic bills came out (like the $20 toll card charge that happens when the card is getting low, which is really difficult to predict), causing NSF fees all over the place. Since Friday I've been IN THE NEGATIVE (this has NEVER happened before, so please understand the shame I'm feeling right now, and the stomach-in-knots feeling, and the stress), and because things keep hitting, I keep getting NSF fees and the transfer from the online savings isn't enough, and OMG. And hubby has the ATM card for the online account (don't worry, I already told him I fucked up) and I keep meaning to get it and hurry up and put money in, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am up to $216 in NSF fees. OMG. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I cannot adequately express how this makes me feel (nauseated, ashamed, sick of not having enough money, etc).

So. I set up a new budget, with more categories (I had an "other" column in the other budget and that, I think, has contributed to my slip ups). I factored in things like car insurance and car tags and all those semi-annual to annual expenses...and discovered that I ACTUALLY DO NOT MAKE ENOUGH MONEY FOR EVERYTHING. Before, somehow, I was either afraid to find out (because I had a sneaking suspicion that I might not actually make enough) or just assumed we were ok since I didn't have to pay tuition anymore. So no more "other" for a while. If ever.

AND Bea (the puppy) was limping on her back leg last week. It improved marginally throughout the week, and she stayed with a friend this past weekend. At friend's house, she went underneath the back deck (she likes it under there and has always done that when she's over there)...and came back in and wouldn't put ANY weight on that back leg. So I took her to the vet yesterday. And it's likely her ACL torn and will likely require a $2000 surgery to fix. Yes, we should have gotten pet insurance. And the vet said since this one is blown it's likely only a matter of time until the other one blows, so start saving. I wanted to throw up. We are supposed to keep her on STRICT bed rest for 8 days and if it's not fully functional by then, we get to go to the orthopedist to schedule surgery. Poor puppy. And how the F are we going to pay for that???? Ugh.

So I'm applying for part time jobs that I can do at night and on weekends, at least until hubby can get a part time job. And I am thoroughly chagrined. And I do not want to live like this anymore. I never want to feel this way when I look at my online account again. Just thinking about it makes me sweat.

I'll keep you posted. I think this may be the "rock bottom" for me that all the financial people keep talking about. Enough is enough. No more extra anything for us until we have paid off all our debt. I AM DONE.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Wow

Maggie's post about her plane ride was interesting. And scary. And enlightening. From now on I will have a scarf with me on a plane. And when I have kids, a Sharpie. For this:

"On a side note, when we were kids, my father would travel with a Sharpie so he could write on us if something ever happened. Like being separated, he would write our names on our left palms before we got on a plane."

(From one of the comments on that post).